Journal entry #47

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I spent majority of the night looking for her. I remember the clock reading 4:05 AM. It baffles me that over 5 million relationships start frm online dating. I’ve clocked at least 400 hours searching different websites to her. And I’m still searching I know she’s out there. She knows I’m looking for her. She enjoys hiding. She knows once i find her she has no other choice but to indulge in her most basice desires and submit to me. She escapes for tonight. i escape into the darkness and masterbate to the thought of finally having her. 

I woke up after having less than 2 hours of sleep and dragged my zombie-like body onto the train, immediately collapsing into the first empty seat as my legs gave way. I didn’t have time to make a cup of coffee or even say goodbye to my girls before i the house. It was next to impossible to ignore how tired I was as i started drifting in and out of sleep. I tried to stay awake but I couldn’t control myself. I constantly woke myself up, and found myself leaning on the arm of the lady beside me. She didn’t mind the fact that I kept invading her personal space though. It’s as if she was inviting me to stay in contact. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the touvh of an unfamiliar body. I think it’s been three months since i challenged myself to be abstinent. That is until I find her of course. For three months I’ve been preserving that sensation for when I first touch her. Yet even though the fabric of out clothes stood between our flesh from touching I was still tempted to break my vow. At that point I got off the subway and my urge to find her became unbearable.

I started thinking to myself as I was walking out of the underground city,watching people swirling past one another, rushing to get on their trains, rushing to live a life that none of us want to live, but are forced to. Very few of us live the life we plan for ourselves, and even a smaller percentage of us refuse to to let the thoughts and views from others alter our true desires. For most of us, the need is freedom and acceptance. But freedom from what?

I spend part of the day trying to answer that question. Freedom from what? From society? from religion? maybe its freedom from our minds? Ourselves? That sounds like a line you would hear in a movie. Either way, I was convinced that I wouldn’t find that answer until I was old and senile so I spent the rest of the day obsessing about when I finally meet her. How perfect it will be. I constantly fantasize how everything in my life will then fall into place, how colors will become more vivid, and all that other shit people sing about. 

Tonight’s taco night, as is every other Thursday night. The girls are slowly learning to like it. Either way they’ll eat it because they know they’ll go to bed without dinner if they don’t. It was when I was leaving the deli after purchasing the meat for tonight, when I turned around to walk out and I felt her presence. I know that sounds bizarre to feel someones presence although you’ve never met them before, but when you’ve been preserving yourself for so long, fantasizing and waiting for that person, you’re body just knows. I can’t explain it. I’ve never been good at explaining my feelings. Regardless, when I turned around I saw her. Standing 5’7, brunette, with the cutest freckles. At first glance she looks like she’s in her late 20’s, she has an athletic body that keeps her looking younger than she is.

I sparked a conversation after making a comment on the meat she ordered. she then questioned me for the large amount of meat I purchased. I simply said “it’s taco night”. I told her how i provide food for those who need it, as a charitable act. Cracked a few jokes, flirted a little, then asked her out for dinner tonight. Her name is Leslie. She accepted. I can barely contain my excitement to the fact that I’m so close to having her, but I refrain from losing control and remind myself to be patient until after the dinner. I’ve waited too long to blow this opportunity.

You know me better than anyone else on this earth, so going into detail on how I planned out every scenario is pointless. I never leave anything to chance, so needless to say dinner went well.

It’s now 11pm. Leslie is mine. I’m looking forward to our future together. She’s everything I was looking for, and now my collection is complete. She’s with the rest of the girls in the cellar. Our family is whole now. All of the girls are here. I can hear the irritation screams of Leslie coming from the basement via the vents. I can’t blame her, she hasn’t been house broken yet. just a matter of time before she gives in and embraces her most basic desire and she becomes submissive.

I figured it out. Freedom is only an illusion. Although slaves, my girls are truly free. They don’t have to worry about stresses from work, their peers, doctors appointments, rent, they don’t have to worry about what to wear in the mornings, what to cook or even what they’re going to do for the day. They’re free from society. They’re free from their mind. They’re free from themselves. I took all of that away from them, all they have to do is embrace the freedom and they will have experienced a true freedom. A feeling that is sought after by all. A feeling that most don’t have the opportunity to experience.

I’m off to bed now so I can actually play with my girls tomorrow. 

good night.

Thursday, November 12 2002

—random writing—

Faster than a train
Colliding like two,
Dark shrouds fill the air
And oil pollutes
This sea of affection
While all living things,
Struggle to survive
along with pieces of us
In distressed waters,
On shaky ground
Earthquakes separate what was once solid
Much like how scissors cut,
Splitting us into two.
Hearts into pieces,
Was once vibrant
Now split ends.
Like that delicious dessert
You two split
As I slipped on a banana
Somewhere in this jungle love


Infinity is playing in the sandbox of time
Eternity is swimming deeper into your eyes
Youth is feeling your hair slip through my fingers

In the centre of your storm
The beautiful disaster that is you
My armageddon
My new beginning
My queen
My reason for rebellion

Tell me stories of unicorns, and dragons;
The world in which we belong.
And i’ll fall for it all.
Meshing the worlds of reality and fantasy
Innocence is ignorant
Give me false hope;
Become my religion

Become my everything
Vanish into nothing
Only so i can forever search for something that doesn’t exist;
Consume me


Icicles form on the air conditioner
But the sun is in this room
Burning our hinderence
Exposing our inner desires
Melting the sheets
As your face melts in ecstacy

Soft linen
And a hard body
You’re the meat to this sandwich
And I tend to savor every morsel
Sweat on flesh
Moans in a pillow
Sweet dreams;
This one is far from over

Daily plans forgotten, the mind has no purpose here
Primal instincts take over as we battle for survival
Our bodies pushed to the limit
A final thrust followed by fatigue
Your last sign of life
Escapes through a sigh
Rest easy. 

—————-TO BE FINISHED—————-